There's a lot to be done for us to "Lean In"

I read Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In" within the first week it came out. I watched her TED talk a few more times, I read the New York magazine article on the "Retro Wife", and I've listened to other successful women speak about their versions of "Lean In". I am happy that this topic has entered the public arena again, that various parties are giving their opinons, that people are arguing about it. But, what do we all want and how do we get there?

We can do anything we want to, within reason. Okay, anyone who knows me knows I won't be on Broadway any time soon, but I did grow up believing that there is no difference between what women and men can achieve. I was encouraged to behave as me, not as a protype of what a girl should be. I didn't see lines between men and women, I saw opportunity. Sheryl Sandberg brings this up often: women are beholden to certain roles that we seemingly can't break, and when we do, we're reprimanded for forgetting to be the perfect housewife. Part of our job is encouraging everyone to act and do as they feel, not what a society believes our gender roles are.

Feminism is about choice, without judgement. Women judge each other; I judge other women. The truth is, changing this can only happen when we're all happy with the choices and opportunities we have. While this can be interpreted as naive, I believe it can happen. It's because we feel we need to cut each other down to rise up , that we've been unable to. Men should be able to put their families before work without judgement just a women should be able to hate cooking.

What about leaning in, everywhere? The conversation has touched on the workplace (more flexible materning & paternity leave) and the home (having a partnership), but there are other sections of our society that haven't evolved. Specifically, the family court system. While this topic could become a diatrabe of its own, in short - how can we expect equality when we have a system in place that allows women to play the victim and expect men to be the provider?

In speaking with my Grandmother, we need to be proud about the progress we've made. The opportunities in front of me are so very different from what she had. But, that also leaves us with a great responsibility to continue this trend that will hopefully dismantle the lines society has drawn. I expect that there will be a lot more to come from me on this topic.

Share your comments below so I can incorporate into my next blog.

#26Acts of Kindness

My Dad wrote me an email asking me to tweet for him. He told me that he had purchased a turkey for my family to eat on Christmas Eve (chinese food is only a tradition on Christmas Day), but instead was going to a church to donate the turkey and clothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. Of course my Dad would do this - he lives and breathes good deeds. But, I wondered why he wanted me to tweet about this for him.

He explained that Ann Curry had suggested we all take part in 26 acts of kindness to honor the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary school (#26Acts). After I initially realized my Dad was more up to speed on a social movement than I was, I did a bit of research on twitter. There was a ton of good deeds being done in the name of the victims. My Dad wanted to do this for Victoria Soto, the teacher who was killed protecting her students. She studied at Eastern Connecticut University, the same school as my younger brother.

I thought about this movement of paying it forward and that I do believe people are truly and inherently good. We know we can't change what happened, but we can put something great back into the world with small acts of kindness. Paying for the person in front of us, donating gently used clothing, writing a nice note - these are all positive pieces of energy.

In light of this blog's 2013 theme of doing something new- I want to spend January giving back. I have a few ideas:
     - NYC Cares coat donations (for homeless in and around NYC)
     - Cycle for Survival donations (for Memorial Sloan-Kettering and rare forms of cancer)
     - TapRoot Foundation volunteeing (Pro Bono Services)

What else would you suggest I do? What other causes should I look at? Leave your suggestions here and I will use them for my #26Acts.

Sandy Hook

It's been a week since the horrifying events at Sandy Hook Elementary school. Glued to the news, blogs, and social media I spent Friday trying to wrap my head around what had just occurred. Not much has been uncovered since. We don't know why it happened and unfortunately we may never get inside the killer's mind. What has happened is a palpable gut reaction from everyone in my network, from the government, and from communities just like Newton because we know that this was preventable.

Like I do on every Christmas, I went to the movies. At the AMC in the East Village, Zack and I sat down to watch Zero Dark Thirty and as the lights dimmed for the previews, I kept looking at the guy behind us. He was alone, kept fidgeting, and rubbed me the wrong way- so much so that it crossed my mind many times throughout the movie that he might try to hurt everyone in the theatre. It didn't happen. But, for the first time in my adult life I was scared in a public place.

I ride the subway, I walk past the 9/11 memorial to my office everday, I live in NYC. But, I usually feel safe- the safety in numbers, the notion that the police are the best in the world makes me feel secure. But lately I haven't. The Aurora movie theatre shootings, Ohio mall attack, the Sandy Hook tragedy have left me uneasy about how safe we really all are.

I am not naive enough to think that we can rid the world of evil. But I am hopeful we can start to understand why we have so many tragedies like this and put the right legislation in place. The facts don't lie: we have so many more gun-related incidents because the US laws are more permissive than anywhere else. The US makes up 5% of the world's population and has 50% of the world's guns.

I am not in politics, but we need to fix this. I understand that the rights within the Constitution are near and dear to many people - and I am not suggesting we take those away. We do however, have a right to protect civilians. That means more stringent gun laws that actually deny access for some. We need psychological evaluations, a real test to get a license, and an understanding as to why a civilian needs a weapon. What the NRA has suggested will not work - and if we don't push to have these laws revised, another tragedy will surely occur.

What I learned from noodles

A lot of us don't know what to do with diversity. As a nation we understand that the crux of who we are is rooted in our differences, but whether we fully accept that idea is an interesting question. Most of us have a set of preconceived notions when we encounter new situations. Sometimes it's an expectation and other times we are surprised by what we learn. It is important to keep an open mind, and like everyone else - for me it can be harder said than done.

As a holiday tradition at my new job we embarked on a noodle lunch in Chinatown. I've tried asian noodles before with my friend Kat - who is a ramen aficionado, but this was about hand-pulled noodles from the Chinese city of Xi'an. My expectation was for spicy, schezuan-type cuisine or possibly a noodle soup- something I knew. However, what I got was completely different: cumin-infused, papardelle-like noodles with lamb and cabbage. It was an intersection of Chinese and Middle Eastern flavors, and a nod to the importance of noodles in Chinese and Asian cuisine. I was pleasantly surprised.

Similar to New York City, Xi'an is a melting pot. It was the starting point of the Silk Road, which was a network of interlinking trade routes that connected Asia, the Mediterranean, Europe, and parts of Africa - essentially a mass dissemenation of ideas, cultures, and goods. It is on this route where silk was brought to Europe, where Marco Polo (possibly) showed Italians what noodles were, and isolated cultures were exposed to urban areas.

As I mentioned in my last blog post, this is the first of many experiences I will have in 2013 to help me understand more about my purpose. What I've taken away from my noodle lunch is that it is only with the exchange of ideas that great, new things (like cumin noodles) can happen.For instance, so much of what makes NYC great today would not have happened without the influx of immigrants and their cultures to New York Harbor in the 19th century. Little Italy, Lower East Side pickles, Pan-Asian cuisine- the list could go on forever. When we are able to keep an open mind and evolve with the influences that surround us the output is usually something quite surprising.

Welcome to 2013

I am getting ahead of myself. It's not here quite yet. But you feel change in the air, right? Holidays are approaching, work is slowing down (kind of), and people are beginning to reflect on 2012, with a hopeful eye towards next year. What is in store for us in 2013? Really, anything could happen. I know that's vague, but at a certain point we understand that only so much of life is in our control.

The act of making resolutions is a quick solution for a lot of us. We make a list of ten things we will absolutely, 100%, no matter what, do this year. "This year I will go to the gym every single day". "This year I will get married". "This year I will make $1,000,000". But, what if you break your leg? What if you haven't met Mr. Right, yet? What if you don't know what you want to do with your life? Plus, let's be honest, most of these resolutions are forgotten by March.

I hate resolutions. I like creating habits. I don't think our lives are a series of checks off of a to-do list. I do believe, however, that we can change our mindsets to get what we want or cope with what we actually have. Maybe going to the gym everyday isn't realistic, but spending a year working on a healthy lifestyle is. Focusing on the why will help us get to the changes we are looking for.

So this upcoming year, I will focus on seeking out what my purpose is. I want to find out what makes me tick, what I am most passionate about, and even what I never want to do again. Through new experiences each week, from trying new foods to attempting anti-gravity yoga, I will use this blog to keep track of my thoughts and what I've received in return. I know a few things that are certain this year like seeing close friends get married or a trip to a new country. But, as for the rest - anything could happen and I hope you'll be reading my journey.

Cycle of Friendship-Part III

Since this theme seems to be top of mind, I wanted to reference my last post on this subject. I said, "While it is terribly upsetting when someone does not accept this [change], it does teach a valuable lesson: it may be beyond our control to determine who is a constant in our lives no matter how we try." So it very well may be out of control as to who stays and who goes...at least to a degree. We can try to save it. We can forgive, forget, move on to a new chapter. But, what if the other person doesn't want to?

The truth is you can't make someone want to move on with you. You can't force someone to see your side of the coin. And when they finally want to move on, you might not be ready to anymore. So what happens? We have to understand that in certain situations there were too many bad things to salvage memories. Accepting that a relationship, any relationship ceases to exist when you thought it always would is the hard part.

I've been lucky, I haven't had a heart-wrenching breakup with a boyfriend. If I had, I might be better suited for these types of changes. I might be better at understanding that you can be close with someone and then, poof, it's gone. Whether you're the one who decides not to move on or you're the one who is shut down, it's a loss.

Do we accept the loss? We might never. We might always be hurt or angry. Only time will tell.

Settling in

How many of you have started a new chapter in your life patiently waiting to "settle in"? My hand is raised - I imagine most of yours are as well. We tell ourselves that the rough parts are the beginning of things. The anxiety of the unknown, the learning, the adjustment - it's all build up to the point where we wait to settle in. But, what if  settling in doesn't happen? And furthermore, what if that goal isn't what I want to strive for?

Let me explain this a bit more. The past six months (and moreover the past year) have been filled with tremendous changes, creating stress, sadness, happieness, newness, and lots of other feelings I can't quite recall at the moment. Both my relationships and my job seemed to constantly change and I waited for the EKG line of my life to flatten out. Or at least I thought so.

In August, everything piled on at once. My job that I had once loved morphed into a something completely different. Suddenly, I wasn't doing what I thought I would be, I was sought out unfairly by a boss who had it out for me (oh, there will be a blog on this), and the learning had stopped . At the same time, I left my roomates to move in with my boyfriend, while he simultaneously went out on his own with his business. The focus shifted from "moving-in" to creating a sustainable business (which I am happy to say he has). But all in all, I felt displaced. I didn't want to walk into work and my apartment was shared office space. Finally, I found a new job which I started in October. When I got the job, my mom kept telling me that once October hit- I would be able to finally settle in.

So, have I? Let me talk in business terms for a moment. When you set up a campaign there are goals (or KPI's) that success is measured against. When we don't think throughoughly about these goals,we pick the easiest, usually wrong, ones. So we can never understand if we actually achieved what we sought out to do. I think that settling into these new adventures in my life was not the right goal. Perhaps, "settling in" means complacent to me right now.

So, I don't want to be settled, I want to be challenged. I hope my new job brings a steady stream of new learnings and sometimes makes me uncomfortable. I want Zack to push me to be a better person. And most of all, I want to move forward through all of the ups and downs.

Love Affair ... with NYC

I love and hate this place. On any given day you will find me relishing in the fact that I live in the "greatest place on earth" while cursing the tourists, cost of living, inability to get a cab, and weather. Sure, it would be easier to live almost anywhere else. Have a car to go to the grocery store with. Have space in your apartment... but no other place has a beat the way that Manhattan does.

When I was younger, my grandmother would take me into the city every six months or so for shopping or a broadway show. She still lives in NYC, although in the "always getting trendier" Brooklyn, and has always had a great love for the way Manhattan makes her feel. She once said to me, "NYC has a beat, a pulse, it's alive, and that is why I love spending time here." Well, at age 6, or 12, or even 17 I wasn't so sure. It was dirtier than my Long Island suburb I called home. It was loud. And wasn't it dangerous?

I took an internship my junior year of college and chose to live in the NYU dorms to create a more "real-life" experience (but really, I think my parents just wanted me out of the house). That summer, the summer of 2005, was when I found out what my grandmother had spoken about. After I graduated, I took a job and embarked on my first year as a Manhattan resident. I fell in love, whole-heartedly, with this city. There is something happening at any given moment. It has the ability to make you feel lost, but also feel as if you know the entire island. There is nothing like going out at night, the whirlwind of cabs and clubs and restaurants and late night dining. There is a quiet like nowhere else before noon on a Sunday.

Like all of us, I have my personal memories of September 11, 2001. But rather than looking to the past, I want to look forward. So today, on the eleventh anniversary of the greatest tragedy that struck this city and our nation, I am now, more than ever proud to be part of this city. There has never been a city like this, made up of all these different types of people, of people who want to achieve the best and are often beset by adversity. We are bound together by the love of living here, but also by the acknowledgement that making it in NYC is no small feat.

The land of opportunity

Whether you've been tuning in to the National Conventions last week or this week, whether you are highly political or not, there is a likelihood that there are issues that are part of the 2012 election that are near and dear to your heart. For most of us, spending time year round following the ever-changing (and sometimes shady) political landscape does not happen. But during this time of year, during the ramp up to what I believe is a tremendous election that will determine our path as a nation and a people, you're likely (and hopefully) paying attention.

Last night was the first night in the Democratic National Convention in which Michelle Obama delivered a speech that has been revered as extraordinary. There was a line from last night's speech that spoke to me as I believe it should speak to all of us: "When you walk through the door of opportunity you do not slam it behind you," she said. "No. You reach back and give other people the same choices that help you succeed." We are not alone in the success we find. There is no such thing as the Republican platform, "We Built It" (which should be translated to, "I Built This With No Help From Anyone"). For me, this belief is the crux of what is at stake during this election.

What bonds Americans together is that we can transition from a have-not to a have with hard-work, determination, and opportunity. We all have a story like this. My story, Michelle Obama's story, those are not unique. What is unique is to have success handed to you and not want that same success for others. Listen, the way our economy, a free-market economy works means that some will have more than others, we should all understand that. However, the way our country is set up is to support those who have less and to provide opportunity and chances to everyone who wants it. We are at risk of giving that up.

So why should you care during this election? There are many reasons. The war, the economy, the budget, new jobs. But above and beyond all of that, it is the question of opportunity. Personally, that is something I am not willing to give up. I grew up in an apartment, sharing a room with my brother my whole life. We stayed in my town because the school district is top-notch. I worked my ass off in high-school to get into a good college and when I got accepted to nearly every school, I was elated. I went from the University of Maryland to an internship at a media agency, which turned into my first job. I've continued my career in this industry, knowing that I've been lucky to have these opportunities, but that I alone was not responsible for this success. We are helped by those around us: my parents, my teachers, my grandparents, my uncle, my mentors- they have supported me. That is why I take time to help others to offer advice or to make an introduction. My opportunities were only available because someone was willing to take a chance on me. Which ironically, is the belief that our country is based on: taking a chance and offering an opportunity.

Support system

Support has varying roles. Whether it's the brace I wore after I rolled my ankle in a pair of wedges last week, a customer service line (we're looking at you tech support) to help us fix that problem, or a shoulder to cry on after a bad day, support almost always means helping. All relationships require support, but not everything is as simple as the ankle brace example. What I mean here is that when I get hurt, my ankle brace 100% supports me, right? I use it for two days, feel better, and put that brace right back in the medicine cabinet. It doesn't need to talk about it's problems, bad day, paper cut, or anything. I receive all of the benefits without having to give anything back. Real relationships however, require a balance of asking for support and supporting. How this balance works is quite interesting.

When I take a look at my own relationships, I have ones where I am consistently asking for support and ones where I am giving more support. For instance, I have the luxury of having parents who will drop everything to listen to me, console me, and support whatever decision I make. Do I offer the same level of support to them? Likely not, but the role of a parent to a child is hardly ever 50/50 and they understand that. On the other hand, I have had friends who I offer advice to at all points, but I know are not able to offer that same support to me.

Then, there are relationships when the balance is more equal. When I look at my relationship with Zack, I see the support we offer each other, but the struggle to understand each other as well. Blind support is what parents are for, but with Zack it's ensuring we understand what we are supporting. There are few things, in my mind, as imperative as knowing that the most important people in your life have a "I will drop anything and be there for you" mentality. I used to think that came from the length of a relationship, but I realize that it is much more about the connection and trust you develop with someone. There are people I have met later in life who have proven time and again to be there when I need it.

For me, asking for help is hard. But, knowing that there are people lined up to help makes it easier to ask. Part of the balance is knowing when to ask, and for what issue. And conversely, it is also knowing when to simply be there when someone doesn't ask.We all have support systems. And we all have people we have to support. It's ensuring that the people we keep around are aware of the balance.

Making the world a better place

There were times during my elementary, middle school, and high school education that were dedicated to giving back and learning about the environment. Gearing up for Earth Day was a big part of this of course, but depending on the teacher, the importance of recycling, how to eat right, and how the world depends on itself was talked about as well. But, it didn't stick past high school. I mean truthfully, I don't really think I gave thought about the environment beyond what was convenient for myself. Sure, global warming was "happening", but really was I the cause? And even if I was, would I be able to stop it? The hardest thing about a big issue like the environment is helping people make everyday changes to their life. We all intrinsically want to live in a better place, but how?

I watched a documentary last night called, "Carbon Nation", which literally explained how the burning of carbon (a fossil fuel) is exacerbating global warming to the point where we are on the cusp of something serious. No, not Kim Kardashian breaks up with Kris Humphries serious (note the sarcasm), but wildlife dying, temperature changing, our world as we know it not existing serious. What I found intriguing about this documentary is that all over the country, people are using what the world gives us to solve our problems. Wind energy, water energy, solar panels, etc. Did you know that in one day the sun heats the earth with MORE than enough energy that we would need in our lifetime?

So what can we do? I understand that sometimes humans feel incredibly small in front of such a large issue. I know I do. And, it is much easier to continue on the path we're on then to make a change. But, we need to be aware. We need to understand that this is not something to turn our noses up at. Clean energy and making the switch to this is important. It is important to the Earth and the environment, it is important to a struggling economy by increasing a new sector and jobs, and it is important for us to give something better to the next generation. The planet actually gives us everything we need to survive. It is up to us to wake up and use it.

Quality Content

I've been thinking a lot about content. What makes it stick, what makes it good, and on the flip side, what makes bad content? While content, whether it be stories, songs, folklore, etc has always been part of how humans communicate, when did it become the holy grail for marketers, advertisers, brands, and companies?

Let's start with the definition of content: Something that is to be expressed through some medium, as speech, writing, or any of various arts. The interesting point here is that the medium has changed or rather, increased. While content used to be passed through word of mouth, letters, television, or radio, it now has a seemingly never ending distribution model. But, does that mean everyone and everyone HAS to be there? I don't think so.

Good content has a why behind it. Not only does it fulfill a need, but it should be the consumer's or human's rather, option on when to consume. A breaking news story, a friend's personal accomplishment, a funny picture, or even new music- we can consume this type of information 24/7. Both a blessing and a burden, it desensitizes us and distracts us from quality.

So many pieces of content are written for their search rankings, not for the pleasure of creating something from scratch. Tag this word, link off to another site, all to ensure you're seen by a consumer. Of course, someone's hard work deserves to be seen, but when will we get back to a place where a great review suffices as a way to drive people there?

Lack of attention

I know, it's been awhile. And I also know this isn't the first time I've gone radio silent for a period of time. I love this blog and more importantly I love writing. Whatever I have on my mind this is an amazing forum where I receive awesome feedback on what I am thinking. There truly is something to be said about gaining praise on something you've created.

So why the lack of attention? Well, there have been many changes (more to come on them soon), which are likely part of this. What I want to talk about today is when life throws a curveball how that affects my day-to-day life.  I am a schedule person. Dates are planned weeks in advance, trips are made with a google document tracking us down to the minute. I would say, I struggle with a "going with the flow" attitude. There are people who are reading this thinking, wow I don't know how you operate like that. I have a friend who just told me she is planning to travel to Italy for two weeks on her own with no real plans. I envy that, but I know it's not me.

So when life changes plans I stall. Not only do I stall, but I focus on how to resolve the change to bring me back to my regular schedule. And then, I forget to do the things that are part of that. My gym schedule is thrown off, I forget to cook dinner or food shop, and I also forget to write. I should multi-task, keep a semblance of my normal life and adjust to the changes as much as I can without over-compensating. So this is the first step. I am back to writing regularly. And I hope you stay tuned, especially when I dive a little deeper into what's been going on.

What is fat?

Why the obsession over other women's bodies? Why not spend time focusing on ourselves? A good friend of mine sent me this article (http://jezebel.com/5924622/kate-upton-is-now-considered-fat) and while I read it through, it is not that unique. A celebrity has her big break, she is considered to be a beautiful woman, and then she has a bad day, week, month and we swarm on picking her apart. But it's not really a "we" who nitpick here, I believe it's women who do this to each other far more than men to do us. And the bigger question is, why?

Most of the time, we blame the media. The way models look, the way actresses are unattainably thin, and that we idolize them. Yes, this is partially the media's fault, but it is our obsession with it that makes these standards okay. And this creates a cycle where women feel that they have to look a certain way to fit in. I can only imagine that this his been a truth throughout time, with royalty replacing actresses, so what can we do?

When I was a senior in high school we were tasked with writing a research paper on the topic of our choice in order to receive the International Baccalaureate diploma. In the spirit of staying relevant, I looked at the correlation between eating disorders and teenage girls. I found that through an enormous amount of research there are varying levels of what could be considered "disordered eating" and "body dysmorphia", which while are not full blown eating disorders, they effect many girls and women. And what was the main cause of this? How looks are perceived in the media and a lack of self-esteem within women, which we help perpetuate.

So what can we do here? We need to value self-worth. We need to help other women see that what they look like does not matter when compared to health. Eating the right foods, in the right portions, while keeping healthy habits and exercising is what is important. Reading, knowledge, and understanding the world around us, that is important. Sticking our nose up at Kate Upton's potential weight gain is a waste of how far we've all come.

Cycle of Friendship- Part II

I am sure everyone reading this has had a conflict that was the "straw that broke the camel's back" in a particular relationship. A harsh reality is that while we will move forward throughout life, it is not necessarily with the people we saw ourselves with from the beginning. That sucks (since I hate change), but moreover because I have an innate desire to have everyone like me. I know, that is ridiculous, but it is something I've really thought could be possible. If I worked hard enough at my relationships, then surely this would not happen for me. Then, life hits. It changes you. And your relationships either change in tandem, or they don't.

My therapist (come on, I have two for parents) told me that the key to long-lasting friendships is the acceptance of change in one another's lives. How would or could it be possible that at every juncture in life, we'd all be on the same page? Maintaining long-lasting relationships means that we love our friends at their core, but that we may not always like who or where they are right now. We have to be willing to accept that at certain times, we will be ahead, behind, next to, or wherever when compared to our friends.

Over the past year and a half, this has been a tremendous point of contention with people in my life. Essentially, after I met Zack I put less effort into my friendships. For a myriad of reasons, from engaging with Zack's life, to believing that those who I spent years growing relationships with would be around no matter what, I focused on different things. I believed that the effort I had exhausted, the memories (both good and bad), and the notion that we're all going to change would be able to sustain what I had built. In some cases, I was right. And in others, I have seen friends turn their back.

People come into our lives for varying reasons and leave the same way. We become friends based on common interests, shared experiences, or because our lives intersect. Maintaining friendships beyond these easy commonalities is the hard part. Take a step back readers, are you willing to accept that your friend might not have the same amount of time for you when she has a baby, a new hobby, or a new boyfriend? While it is terribly upsetting when someone does not accept this, it does teach a valuable lesson: it may be beyond our control to determine who is a constant in our lives no matter how we try. But, we need people who accept that change is really the only constant in life

Seize your potential, but smell the roses

Over the past month, it seems that the articles discussing women in the workplace are at an all time high. That, or they're going more viral than ever. Sheryl Sandberg is at the center, making waves in statements that she leaves work at 5PM to be with her children, and more recently, in her commencement speech at Barnard, telling women to, "keep your foot on the gas pedal" and "not leave before you leave". I've stayed abreast of all of this, including content of the same sentiment; that women indeed can have it all, not feel guilty, and still succeed.

But here's the thing. I am not Sheryl Sandberg. I am not the COO of Facebook, nor am I the head of Digital at another Fortune 500 company. How did these women get to their current roles? I am absolutely certain no one left work at 5PM. And therein lies an issue I battle with. I don't, as I am sure other women who strive to be successful feel, believe I "deserve" to shut down at 5PM, 6PM or even 8PM. I am always on, always aiming to make my mark. 

While there have been articles on not feeling guilty, there has been a equal amount regarding women who burn out too early. Women who are mentally and physically exhausted by 35. Women who leave corporate jobs they thought they wanted to work for themselves, live in the country, or pursue other methods of happiness. 

The truth is, at 27 I am in my prime to work my ass off. It is the first time in my life I am financially able to be on my own, save money, and do the things I want. I don't have children, I am not married and besides some friends who don't understand the work-life balance I've chosen, I don't have anyone to make me feel guilty. Except of course, myself. I worry that I will not succeed in the sea of opportunity that has been made possible. 

Feminism was supposed to be about choice. And, I think it still can be. With the promotion of "balancing" our work and personal lives (more to the tune that men have always done), then we will be even more successful. If I don't leave at 6PM some nights, go to the gym, take vacation, and see guilty-pleasure movies then I will become to resent my work. My work should enable me to do the things I want and only under the strictest of deadlines, hinder it. 

The nag

We all do it. You're shaking your head right now, but think about it. Have you ever whined to get what you want? Incessantly urged someone to do something they didn't want to do? If you haven't, I will give you my number so I can learn from you because as much as I thought I wasn't "that girl"- I am.

My mom had a rule when I was growing up that before we could barade her when she walked in the door, she needed 15 minutes to herself. I didn't understand why she wasn't able to focus on what I needed, at that very moment, and provide me with the solution/plan/next step. It makes sense. We need time to shift gears. To decompress from work, or being with family and move into the next phase. As an adult, my life is so planned, that taking a few minutes to myself sounds like a waste of time.

I walked into my "new" apartment last week to see Zack sitting on our newly delivered couch. I took a look at it and him, proceeding to rattle off a list of what we had to do right now. After he blankly stared at me, he asked why I didn't comment on the couch or even took 5 minutes to breathe. I realized that I was in full nag mode. The stuff men hate, their terrible folklore of what happens after you move in with someone. And it had to cease.

Listen, we or at least I nag because I'm a control freak. I like things the way I like them and I believe that by complaining and annoying I can change behavior. Untrue. The goal is to compromise and see this as part of the journey. To ask rather than demand. To understand that how I see things is not necessarily how Zack or someone else might. Nagging might be part of our frustration in communication with those around us, but I am bound to find a better way.

Decisions, Decisions...

I recently read a blog post (Jo, this is a shout out to you!) about the decision making process. If you are lucky to have a support system, you are likely asking them for advice and "what would you do" scenarios. I agree that having other people's thoughts, especially to play devil's advocate is helpful for us all. It puts us in someone else's shoes, it helps us see the other side. But, inevitably we are alone in what we decide. It is only you who has to live with the decision and its aftermath.

There are all sorts of choices we make daily. What should I eat for breakfast versus should I go out drinking tonight even though I have work tomorrow? These don't really need a level of consulting compared to the more life-changing decisions: Where should I live? Should I move on an opportunity to take a job in another country? Do I want to get married?

As I have thought about this, I find that I ask my support system to help me navigate these tough decisions because ideally, I want them to agree with me. Yes, Rachel- you made the better choice. The thing with advice is that it is free, and people absolutely love to give it. Are your best interests in their eyes? Are they really putting themselves in your shoes? The more people you ask, the more you are opening yourself up to a variant of choices.

Last year, I went through a five month job-search process, vetting various roles, companies, and opportunities. When I knew it was right (with my current employer), I wanted to jump that second. I also wanted everyone to agree with me. My mom was nervous that the company was still in startup mode. My extended family wanted me to take a job with a larger corporation. My boyfriend wouldn't make the decision because he knew it had to be mine. My friends didn't know why I was looking. Nonetheless, I chose my current job and while there have been good and bad days, I am where I want to be. I made my choice, I went with my gut, and I ended up benefitting. Unfortunately, this is not the case with every choice.

Inevitably, there are times when what is good for you may not be good for everyone else in the room, leaving us with compromise as the solution. What concessions are we willing to make? More often that not, my nature is to be selfish. I want what I want when I want it, leaving compromising as a last resort. The real world, as we all know it, is full of compromises. I live in NYC, I am compromising space for a Manhattan zip code! At the end of the day, sometimes you do have to stand your ground. And there are other times when we have to consider the loss and gain. Just like economics, you cannot gain something without losing in something else.

Turn failure upside down

I've never really failed. I mean horrendously f'd up. I haven't been so broken-hearted that I couldn't wake up the next day or month. I haven't put all my effort into one project to then watch it blow up in my face. I've never gotten an F (well, there was a brief phase of slacking off in college, but that's for another blog). I've lived my life on the safe side, all the while eyeing and envying those who can risk it all for the sake of something better.

I've always been an avid reader. Since I could, I've had a book in my hand. And that is any type of book, fiction, non-fiction, rom-com, NY Magazine... but the one thing I've always been drawn to in stories is the idea of redemption. A character has a fatal flaw, a tragic error, or they risk it all to move for love, and then don't do it correctly. They fail at what they set out to do, or their personality was never going to let them do what they thought they should do. Whatever it is, the notion that we can learn from our mistakes, and instead turn those mistakes into learning experiences is so very interesting.

My brother has a learning disability. We found this out after my Mom harassed the schools to get him tested. She knew he was fine, but something wasn't necessarily "right". After she got her way, and we found out that he did indeed have something to overcome, the hard part set in. How would he catch up to reading and writing? Would he always want and need extra-help hours? But Jason took this in stride. I am not saying it has been easy, for him especially, but he is someone who has taken a challenge, or something that could be viewed as a failure, and turned it into his strongest trait. He has an ability to understand how he learns, how he adapts, and he can apply these skills to everything he does in life.

When I hated my job in 2009 ( I mean, HATED), I called Jason. In my whole life, I had never felt like a failure before and I had no idea how to cope with this. But, Jason knew. He told me that I needed to improve on my outlook, that I needed to take whatever lessons I could from this place and learn from it. And I did. I learned that when I don't like what I am doing, I slack off. I learned that I could use an attitude adjustment from time to time... all very valuable things to know about myself.

Failure is scary, which is why most of us never really risk it. It is scary because well, it might not work. Will people make fun of us? Will we be judged? Did we make a mistake? But this isn't the way to look at failure and over the past year I've seen that the ability to fail gracefully, learn from it, change, adapt, and move on is one of the most important lessons life can give us.

Mother's Day

As Mother's Day came to an end this weekend, I realized there is a more important point within the holiday beyond the brunch and flowers: Do we spend enough time thanking our Mothers? Is one day enough? If my Mother is reading this, she is absolutely laughing out loud. Of course we don't thank them enough! How could we ever? But, as I become more of an an adult and less of a teenager I realize more and more everyday how much I should thank my Mom for everything. There are the obvious reasons (childbirth), but there are so many less obvious ones that are unique to each Mother- Child relationship.

When I was sixteen my grandmother gave me a book titled, "My Mother/My Self: The Daughter's Search for Identity". To this day, I still have not gotten past the introduction (sorry grandma!). She handed me the book as a mea culpa, to ask me to please work on my relationship with my Mom since it was not going so well at that point in time. It's been quite a journey, but I do feel that my Mother is the most important person in my life.

There are a million reasons why the relationship with one's mother is a challenging one. For me, I didn't feel that I identified with mine. I shopped, she didn't. I am tall with brown hair, brown eyes, and straight hair. She is shorter with wavy blonde hair and green eyes. I never stop talking, my Mom enjoys the silence. First world problems, right? I felt that I was my Dad's child in every way and could not grasp onto anything that would foster a relationship with my Mom, other than the fact that I was her daughter.

Taking a step back, I was intolerable for a good seven years - I was mean and didn't want to follow her rules. There was the time I threw a remote at my Mom's head after I was grounded for continuously lying about my whereabouts, or when she found my fake ID and laughed endlessly while I looked around for it claiming I had lost my "library card"- there are more good ones to share, but this paints the picture.

It took me a long time to realize that I wanted to have a positive relationship with my Mom. And if I wanted that, then I would have to make concessions and work on it. And I did. The turning point for this was around the notion of sacrifice. Not the religious ritual, but the sacrifice of oneself for the benefit of giving to others. My Mom literally gave herself to my brother, my dad, and I. She kept everything and everyone together, dealt with the brunt of my teenage drama, advocated for my brother and I inside and outside of school, and paid little to no attention to herself (Dad, you are the best too!). When I began to empathize with her and understand all she has done, the relationship started to blossom into something else. She is still partially my Mom, but also partially herself: Jill. And I realized I liked her.

As time goes on and things change for all of us, my Mom is my unwavering support system. She is who I call first, she is the voice I hear in my head when I know I am not acting like my best self, she is the guidance I seek in all instances. I am by no means a "mommy's girl", but I do understand that I am lucky that my Mom has my best interests at hand and she always will. So Mom, and all the Mom's out there who give their all: Thank you. I would not be where I am today without you.