The nag

We all do it. You're shaking your head right now, but think about it. Have you ever whined to get what you want? Incessantly urged someone to do something they didn't want to do? If you haven't, I will give you my number so I can learn from you because as much as I thought I wasn't "that girl"- I am.

My mom had a rule when I was growing up that before we could barade her when she walked in the door, she needed 15 minutes to herself. I didn't understand why she wasn't able to focus on what I needed, at that very moment, and provide me with the solution/plan/next step. It makes sense. We need time to shift gears. To decompress from work, or being with family and move into the next phase. As an adult, my life is so planned, that taking a few minutes to myself sounds like a waste of time.

I walked into my "new" apartment last week to see Zack sitting on our newly delivered couch. I took a look at it and him, proceeding to rattle off a list of what we had to do right now. After he blankly stared at me, he asked why I didn't comment on the couch or even took 5 minutes to breathe. I realized that I was in full nag mode. The stuff men hate, their terrible folklore of what happens after you move in with someone. And it had to cease.

Listen, we or at least I nag because I'm a control freak. I like things the way I like them and I believe that by complaining and annoying I can change behavior. Untrue. The goal is to compromise and see this as part of the journey. To ask rather than demand. To understand that how I see things is not necessarily how Zack or someone else might. Nagging might be part of our frustration in communication with those around us, but I am bound to find a better way.

Decisions, Decisions...

I recently read a blog post (Jo, this is a shout out to you!) about the decision making process. If you are lucky to have a support system, you are likely asking them for advice and "what would you do" scenarios. I agree that having other people's thoughts, especially to play devil's advocate is helpful for us all. It puts us in someone else's shoes, it helps us see the other side. But, inevitably we are alone in what we decide. It is only you who has to live with the decision and its aftermath.

There are all sorts of choices we make daily. What should I eat for breakfast versus should I go out drinking tonight even though I have work tomorrow? These don't really need a level of consulting compared to the more life-changing decisions: Where should I live? Should I move on an opportunity to take a job in another country? Do I want to get married?

As I have thought about this, I find that I ask my support system to help me navigate these tough decisions because ideally, I want them to agree with me. Yes, Rachel- you made the better choice. The thing with advice is that it is free, and people absolutely love to give it. Are your best interests in their eyes? Are they really putting themselves in your shoes? The more people you ask, the more you are opening yourself up to a variant of choices.

Last year, I went through a five month job-search process, vetting various roles, companies, and opportunities. When I knew it was right (with my current employer), I wanted to jump that second. I also wanted everyone to agree with me. My mom was nervous that the company was still in startup mode. My extended family wanted me to take a job with a larger corporation. My boyfriend wouldn't make the decision because he knew it had to be mine. My friends didn't know why I was looking. Nonetheless, I chose my current job and while there have been good and bad days, I am where I want to be. I made my choice, I went with my gut, and I ended up benefitting. Unfortunately, this is not the case with every choice.

Inevitably, there are times when what is good for you may not be good for everyone else in the room, leaving us with compromise as the solution. What concessions are we willing to make? More often that not, my nature is to be selfish. I want what I want when I want it, leaving compromising as a last resort. The real world, as we all know it, is full of compromises. I live in NYC, I am compromising space for a Manhattan zip code! At the end of the day, sometimes you do have to stand your ground. And there are other times when we have to consider the loss and gain. Just like economics, you cannot gain something without losing in something else.

Turn failure upside down

I've never really failed. I mean horrendously f'd up. I haven't been so broken-hearted that I couldn't wake up the next day or month. I haven't put all my effort into one project to then watch it blow up in my face. I've never gotten an F (well, there was a brief phase of slacking off in college, but that's for another blog). I've lived my life on the safe side, all the while eyeing and envying those who can risk it all for the sake of something better.

I've always been an avid reader. Since I could, I've had a book in my hand. And that is any type of book, fiction, non-fiction, rom-com, NY Magazine... but the one thing I've always been drawn to in stories is the idea of redemption. A character has a fatal flaw, a tragic error, or they risk it all to move for love, and then don't do it correctly. They fail at what they set out to do, or their personality was never going to let them do what they thought they should do. Whatever it is, the notion that we can learn from our mistakes, and instead turn those mistakes into learning experiences is so very interesting.

My brother has a learning disability. We found this out after my Mom harassed the schools to get him tested. She knew he was fine, but something wasn't necessarily "right". After she got her way, and we found out that he did indeed have something to overcome, the hard part set in. How would he catch up to reading and writing? Would he always want and need extra-help hours? But Jason took this in stride. I am not saying it has been easy, for him especially, but he is someone who has taken a challenge, or something that could be viewed as a failure, and turned it into his strongest trait. He has an ability to understand how he learns, how he adapts, and he can apply these skills to everything he does in life.

When I hated my job in 2009 ( I mean, HATED), I called Jason. In my whole life, I had never felt like a failure before and I had no idea how to cope with this. But, Jason knew. He told me that I needed to improve on my outlook, that I needed to take whatever lessons I could from this place and learn from it. And I did. I learned that when I don't like what I am doing, I slack off. I learned that I could use an attitude adjustment from time to time... all very valuable things to know about myself.

Failure is scary, which is why most of us never really risk it. It is scary because well, it might not work. Will people make fun of us? Will we be judged? Did we make a mistake? But this isn't the way to look at failure and over the past year I've seen that the ability to fail gracefully, learn from it, change, adapt, and move on is one of the most important lessons life can give us.

Mother's Day

As Mother's Day came to an end this weekend, I realized there is a more important point within the holiday beyond the brunch and flowers: Do we spend enough time thanking our Mothers? Is one day enough? If my Mother is reading this, she is absolutely laughing out loud. Of course we don't thank them enough! How could we ever? But, as I become more of an an adult and less of a teenager I realize more and more everyday how much I should thank my Mom for everything. There are the obvious reasons (childbirth), but there are so many less obvious ones that are unique to each Mother- Child relationship.

When I was sixteen my grandmother gave me a book titled, "My Mother/My Self: The Daughter's Search for Identity". To this day, I still have not gotten past the introduction (sorry grandma!). She handed me the book as a mea culpa, to ask me to please work on my relationship with my Mom since it was not going so well at that point in time. It's been quite a journey, but I do feel that my Mother is the most important person in my life.

There are a million reasons why the relationship with one's mother is a challenging one. For me, I didn't feel that I identified with mine. I shopped, she didn't. I am tall with brown hair, brown eyes, and straight hair. She is shorter with wavy blonde hair and green eyes. I never stop talking, my Mom enjoys the silence. First world problems, right? I felt that I was my Dad's child in every way and could not grasp onto anything that would foster a relationship with my Mom, other than the fact that I was her daughter.

Taking a step back, I was intolerable for a good seven years - I was mean and didn't want to follow her rules. There was the time I threw a remote at my Mom's head after I was grounded for continuously lying about my whereabouts, or when she found my fake ID and laughed endlessly while I looked around for it claiming I had lost my "library card"- there are more good ones to share, but this paints the picture.

It took me a long time to realize that I wanted to have a positive relationship with my Mom. And if I wanted that, then I would have to make concessions and work on it. And I did. The turning point for this was around the notion of sacrifice. Not the religious ritual, but the sacrifice of oneself for the benefit of giving to others. My Mom literally gave herself to my brother, my dad, and I. She kept everything and everyone together, dealt with the brunt of my teenage drama, advocated for my brother and I inside and outside of school, and paid little to no attention to herself (Dad, you are the best too!). When I began to empathize with her and understand all she has done, the relationship started to blossom into something else. She is still partially my Mom, but also partially herself: Jill. And I realized I liked her.

As time goes on and things change for all of us, my Mom is my unwavering support system. She is who I call first, she is the voice I hear in my head when I know I am not acting like my best self, she is the guidance I seek in all instances. I am by no means a "mommy's girl", but I do understand that I am lucky that my Mom has my best interests at hand and she always will. So Mom, and all the Mom's out there who give their all: Thank you. I would not be where I am today without you.

Great (Wedding) Expectations

How long have you and your friends been discussing your wedding day? If you are a girl reading this, I would take a guess and say it's been a long time, way before anyone had met the person who could even be the groom to this wedding day dream. The notion of this special day has been ingrained in women's thinking..."happily ever after", right?

In all honesty, I didn't really contribute to these conversations. How was I supposed to know what color flowers I wanted at 16? I listened respectfully to everyone's wishes, all while thinking that someday I would be surely thinking the same types of things. But, it hasn't happened...yet.

I've talked about this before, but I couldn't see myself post college as an adult. Furthermore, I never took marriage to be a truth that would happen in my own life. It might not. Because of that, I think I've also struggled with planning something that I would have no idea if it would ever even happen. Why put the effort in? Why create an expectation and become disappointed? I focused time on things that I knew were "for-sures": work, friends, family, and myself.

In the past year, I've attended over five beautiful weddings because at 27, every other weekend is someone's wedding event. Between engagement parties, showers, bachelorette parties, and the actual wedding, I feel like I've seen it all. I've especially seen how happy it's made my friends and family, but I still don't know if I love all of this for myself. And the bigger question: am I supposed to?

Society sure tells me that I should, and moreover, that I deserve this day. Most books (and famous ones at that) have their heroine's story end after she gets married. There are movies strictly centered around the bride getting the day of her dreams no matter what. And then there are familial expectations, based on a mix of traditions and everyone else's vision of this day. All of this is what is it, but there is a truth that the wedding day should be a dream of mine.

Which leaves me at this conclusion: as women have gained traction in terms of getting to choose our fate, it becomes harder to define ourselves. Was it easier when it was decided for us in 1950? If I don't want a blow-out party am I less of a woman? And if I do decide that I want a dress, to cut the cake, and to act like a princess for a day have I decided to forsake my "I am not that girly" attitude? And moreover, do people want the wedding of their dreams enough they will just marry whoever?

The truth is that expectations always leave us grasping for more. I don't believe "happily every after" actually exists because there is no light without the dark. But, if we can combine what we (and that potential groom) want not just for the "day", but as a relationship mantra then I believe we can achieve at least "contentness ever after" (and if you want, a really good party).

Mind your manners...

Manners. They are this weird set of rules that are instilled in you through a mix of tradition, values, and what our culture finds to be important. Wash your hands after the bathroom. RSVP to the party on time. Say "please" and "thank you". Call your friend's parents by their last names.... the list goes on.

Learning manners does not end when we are 10, however, there is a whole new set of manners to learn in high school, college, and in our work-environments. There are different sets of manners that correspond to these various environments. You treat a friend who you've known for years differently than a new one who doesn't know you quite as well. You lash out at your Mom in a way you would never want to share with your colleagues. All in all though, manners should reflect what we hold to be right and wrong no matter the circumstance.

In the advertising industry, a totem-poll structure exists where clients (whether agency or brands) who control budgets sit at the top and vendors (anyone who is selling anything to those clients) gravel for their attention and access to the budgets. That's fine, it makes sense. But, I've always struggled with the reception in which those at the top give to those at the bottom, and whether they follow basic niceties.

At my first job as an assistant media planner, I worked on the Sprint business. This simply meant that at 22 I had my hands in a lot of money. Vendors who were at least 15 years my senior would call me to get a place on our media plan, or at least be considered and in exchange, I could get a new pair of Nike's! The bet the vendors were making with me could close a $100,000 deal, and therefore they could bring home 5% of that in commission. This was a fair bet, since it is more likely that a vendor closes a deal based on swag than on the actual product they are selling.

However, I had leaders at this job who made it clear that it was unacceptable to take gifts without returning the favor of a meeting, a call, or politely declining when we knew we were just taking the vendor for a ride. This was an important lesson, since this dynamic is a truth of the industry and I've taken this as a rule of thumb ever since. But, when I am on the other side of the equation, how does one deal with the poor manners of others?

Fast forward to this example: I recently went to an event and a high-profile employee of a company was invited. Rather than emailing to decline, sending thanks, or even trying to find a replacement, this person's child and a friend showed up instead. Is that acceptable? While we are told that you cannot take business personally, it is hard to do so when this examples seems to violate a simple rule of thumb. Have you had similar experiences? How have you dealt?

With technology changing how we interact with everyone and everything, I know manners are hard to instill amidst the constant distraction. Taking all the information I've been privy to, here are some guidelines I stick to within my work life:

- If you are going to cancel, give at least 30 minutes notice
- Always notify if you are running late
- Find someone to replace you at a meeting or an outing if you cannot make it. Especially if the person who is coming in for the meeting is from out of town
- Don't accept gifts unless you are planning on working with the vendor
- Don't hide behind an email or a CC- If there is an issue address it head on
- Always write a Thank You note after you are taken out
- As high as you rise, don't forget that you were once at the bottom

If you have more to add, please chime in!

Commencement

com·mence·ment (k-mnsmnt)
n.
1. A beginning; a start.

It's graduation season. For graduate, college, and high school students this is the time of year when you celebrate the end of an era while simultaneously looking at the beginning of a new phase. For me, I always thought commencement signaled the end, but as we can see by my cool dictionary definition above, it actually means the beginning.

Graduation sucked. No seriously, I was devastated. I hate change. I dislike the adjustment period. I don't like making new friends, dealing with the new schedules, the new environments. I like keeping things the way I like them. So it of course makes sense that the whirlwind of graduation completely threw me, and this was especially the case after college.

As a kid, I could see myself at the age of 16, in all of it's teenage glamour. And at 16, I could see myself as an independent college kid. But, in college, I could not see myself out of it. I wasn't on a "track" to be a doctor- I really wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to do with myself. All I knew as I approached the deadline of May 2007 was that I knew who I was at the University of Maryland and had no idea who I could be outside of it.

I struggled immensely with the changes that came after college. I consistently told people that, "I would sell my soul to go back to 2005"... and I meant it. I was the president of my sorority, studying what I loved, and my schedule felt like it was all my own- what wasn't to like? Being thrown into the "real" world felt like a harsh reality filled with responsibility that I did not want to deal with yet. And I am sure I am not the only one who felt this way.

There is this expectation that once you graduate college you need to decide what to do with the rest of your life. Well, that is quite ambitious. If you are lucky, you have a good 60 years of life after graduating college, is it realistic to make this huge decision at 22? Probably not. And there are 80 year olds who still have not decided what they want to do. Since graduating college I've vacillated between going back to law school, my job in media, and teaching history. You know what, I could actually accomplish all three if I wanted to. Or not, but either way being indecisive and questioning where I wanted to be was and is okay.

That is the moment when I realized that graduating college was a beginning, not an end. It's the beginning of the long phase of being an adult. Your mid 20's are all about being indecisive and embracing change, essentially you are throwing stuff at a wall and seeing what sticks. While change is scary, not growing up would be worse. It took me a good two years to mourn the loss of my college years, but I am happy with the path my life has taken since... and I have memories from "the best four years of my life" to keep me smiling.