Decisions, Decisions...

I recently read a blog post (Jo, this is a shout out to you!) about the decision making process. If you are lucky to have a support system, you are likely asking them for advice and "what would you do" scenarios. I agree that having other people's thoughts, especially to play devil's advocate is helpful for us all. It puts us in someone else's shoes, it helps us see the other side. But, inevitably we are alone in what we decide. It is only you who has to live with the decision and its aftermath.

There are all sorts of choices we make daily. What should I eat for breakfast versus should I go out drinking tonight even though I have work tomorrow? These don't really need a level of consulting compared to the more life-changing decisions: Where should I live? Should I move on an opportunity to take a job in another country? Do I want to get married?

As I have thought about this, I find that I ask my support system to help me navigate these tough decisions because ideally, I want them to agree with me. Yes, Rachel- you made the better choice. The thing with advice is that it is free, and people absolutely love to give it. Are your best interests in their eyes? Are they really putting themselves in your shoes? The more people you ask, the more you are opening yourself up to a variant of choices.

Last year, I went through a five month job-search process, vetting various roles, companies, and opportunities. When I knew it was right (with my current employer), I wanted to jump that second. I also wanted everyone to agree with me. My mom was nervous that the company was still in startup mode. My extended family wanted me to take a job with a larger corporation. My boyfriend wouldn't make the decision because he knew it had to be mine. My friends didn't know why I was looking. Nonetheless, I chose my current job and while there have been good and bad days, I am where I want to be. I made my choice, I went with my gut, and I ended up benefitting. Unfortunately, this is not the case with every choice.

Inevitably, there are times when what is good for you may not be good for everyone else in the room, leaving us with compromise as the solution. What concessions are we willing to make? More often that not, my nature is to be selfish. I want what I want when I want it, leaving compromising as a last resort. The real world, as we all know it, is full of compromises. I live in NYC, I am compromising space for a Manhattan zip code! At the end of the day, sometimes you do have to stand your ground. And there are other times when we have to consider the loss and gain. Just like economics, you cannot gain something without losing in something else.

Turn failure upside down

I've never really failed. I mean horrendously f'd up. I haven't been so broken-hearted that I couldn't wake up the next day or month. I haven't put all my effort into one project to then watch it blow up in my face. I've never gotten an F (well, there was a brief phase of slacking off in college, but that's for another blog). I've lived my life on the safe side, all the while eyeing and envying those who can risk it all for the sake of something better.

I've always been an avid reader. Since I could, I've had a book in my hand. And that is any type of book, fiction, non-fiction, rom-com, NY Magazine... but the one thing I've always been drawn to in stories is the idea of redemption. A character has a fatal flaw, a tragic error, or they risk it all to move for love, and then don't do it correctly. They fail at what they set out to do, or their personality was never going to let them do what they thought they should do. Whatever it is, the notion that we can learn from our mistakes, and instead turn those mistakes into learning experiences is so very interesting.

My brother has a learning disability. We found this out after my Mom harassed the schools to get him tested. She knew he was fine, but something wasn't necessarily "right". After she got her way, and we found out that he did indeed have something to overcome, the hard part set in. How would he catch up to reading and writing? Would he always want and need extra-help hours? But Jason took this in stride. I am not saying it has been easy, for him especially, but he is someone who has taken a challenge, or something that could be viewed as a failure, and turned it into his strongest trait. He has an ability to understand how he learns, how he adapts, and he can apply these skills to everything he does in life.

When I hated my job in 2009 ( I mean, HATED), I called Jason. In my whole life, I had never felt like a failure before and I had no idea how to cope with this. But, Jason knew. He told me that I needed to improve on my outlook, that I needed to take whatever lessons I could from this place and learn from it. And I did. I learned that when I don't like what I am doing, I slack off. I learned that I could use an attitude adjustment from time to time... all very valuable things to know about myself.

Failure is scary, which is why most of us never really risk it. It is scary because well, it might not work. Will people make fun of us? Will we be judged? Did we make a mistake? But this isn't the way to look at failure and over the past year I've seen that the ability to fail gracefully, learn from it, change, adapt, and move on is one of the most important lessons life can give us.