Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Cycle of Friendship
We all have a moment when we realize that we've left our "post-college years" and officially moved into our mid/late twenties. For some it's when our voicemail message changes from, "Hey it's me leave whatever" to "You've reached (Full Name). Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day!". For me, it was when I realized that the amount of friends in my "speed dial" shrunk from 20 to 5.
I did not take this realization lightly. Actually, I was really upset. My whole teenage/adult life revolved around my friendships, from coordinating parties to continuously meeting new people- so what was this change all about?
Naturally, I brought these concerns to my parents to get perspective. Was this "normal"? They assured me that this was all part of growing up. But, I was used to being on the same page as my friends: SAT's, college, pledging, disobeying our parents, graduating college - while this new phase seemed to put us all in different places at any given time. And that was weird.
I came across an article that helped me understand what may be happening: while our social networks are growing digitally, when it comes to closer circles of friends you lose some and replace with new friends after about seven years. With all of the changes that happen to us in life this kind of made sense. I started dating Zack about a year ago, and coupled with a challenging new job my priorities shifted. I am sure this is a common tale, but nevertheless a very real one. Have you had a similar experience?
It then dawned on me that this change is about balance. As we get older there are more things to juggle on the ever-growing list of things to do. Between work, passion projects, family, and dating, the effort we are able to put into maintaining all our friendships falls down the list. While this was immediately disconcerting it made me focus on the friendships that matter.
I am extremely lucky to have found (and maintained) lifelong friends during the most awkward of times: Middle school. I found additions to this circle during my tenure at the University of Maryland and added a few in my post college- NYC life. I've even been able to call family a part of this circle of friends. After focusing on what matters I learned that friendships are more of a journey, a marathon even. At certain times we will be in sync, and there will be others when we are not. But the true friendships, the ones worth the long investment will always be there.
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I once got this in a fortune cookie and held onto it: A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out...
ReplyDeleteThat was and is the only measure of a real friend. Are they there for you in good times and bad?
Though the number of friendship will change over time, all that matters is be surrounded by people who care.
I've always gone for quality over quantity, whether it be favorite cousins, friends or clothing, etc. A true friend will support you, laugh with you and give reality checks with love and kindness, and will remain your friend over the years regardless if you met in childhood or adulthood. It's okay to speak with them less frequently than you used to as long as feels like yesterday. And sometimes we move apart from people, wish them well and never speak with them again.
ReplyDeleteThough this is certainly a true sentiment, there is a flip side... For those mid-twenty something’s who are single things are a bit different. You slowly start to see your close friend’s partner off; and frankly when push comes to shove, these men end up winning most of your girl-friends time. I am in favor of this...meeting someone who you want to share your life with, love, and start a family with is not only amazing but a naturel progression and desire. But as one of these awesomely "single" ladies I have realized, wow I need MORE friends. Sooo, how do you meet new, good friends as an adult? It’s not all that easy - but I have found that putting yourself out there, getting involved in career related organization and co-ed intramural sports or activities are great ways.
ReplyDelete@Ali: I was one of the last of my friends to marry (he was/is totally worth the wait). My married friends lived vicariously through my dates; they were happy for me when I got engaged, but they've had to find new sources of entertainment/reasons to hug their husbands since then. I made new friends at work, poetry readings and networking events, but my truest friends are from childhood (I include my college roomie in this category). I've always been independent, so when I was single and wanted to go out or go on vacation, I went by myself if my friends weren't available. I had a lot of interesting experiences and met very nice, friendly people that way. The key to doing that is being smart--not leaving anywhere with people you just met, leaving a note at home/hotel room with basic info about where you were going, keeping your cell phone charged, knowing self-defense, etc. The only regret that I had was never having enough money to go to all the places I wanted to go to, but now I will hopefully be able to go with my husband. Don't let being single keep you from doing what you want to do. Life is too short.
ReplyDeleteI am overwhelmed by these amazing responses, thought-provoking and real! This really tells me that the things women want to talk about are hopefully things that I am posting. Thank you thank you :)
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