Dear Diary,
Oh wait, this is my blog post not a personal journal! Except that is not entirely true!
There is a fine line between writing about myself and my perspective and thus, running the risk of offending anyone. That is not the point here, but if I use hypothetical situations instead of an array of real-life examples then I am dry toast.
Yesterday I breached the topic of women and conversation. Today I want to build on that. Why is saying what we want to say polarizing? Men have an easy time speaking their minds because if someone is upset with them they accept it. They grunt, they wait it out, they know it's not the end all be all. But women do not handle this the same way. We want to fix it- right now. So instead of getting ourselves into a situation, sometimes we simply say nothing or even worse, what we are "supposed" to say.
I've been told my whole life that I can make outrageous, polarizing statements. I've flat out scarred friendships because I thought it was important to state my opinion. It's not that confrontation doesn't upset me, it's the opposite. But as time has gone on I've realized that speaking up shouldn't make the permanent fixtures in my life go away. Maybe we will squabble, but hopefully it puts the relationship in a better place than it was before.
We're encouraged to speak our minds and yet we rarely do. When we do choose to speak up we are more apt to duck behind Facebook, Twitter, or the worst, GChat in order to get our point across and avoid controversy and conversation. This is what the world is turning to but I believe that there is still a crowd out there that would prefer to merge the old fashioned forms of communication with ever evolving technology. That means that controversy is unavoidable, and who says that's a bad thing? That's all for today.
Interestingly enough had a convo about this with a friend of mine today. After MANY gchat/AIM fights in my lifetime (mainly freshman year of college) I recently found it extremely effective to write an e-mail to a friend and ask to immediately get together or call one another to discuss it. I didn't want to deal with the issues over e-mail or gchat or anything, I wanted the face-to-face but I also wanted my voice to be heard without interruption. It worked out really well and the friend was extremely appreciative of my approach.
ReplyDeleteFor the longest time I viewed myself as someone who was non-confrontational...then somewhere between 23 ands 25 I had an epiphany...Who was I kidding, I am very confrontational!! I evaluated many of my relationship and took sometime too look back at past encounters, arguments and frankly some flat out cat-fights...I am highly opinionated, I often have trouble bitting my tongue, and at times am highly emotional. This combination often ends in some slamming doors, but that's me. As I continued to study counseling and communication I realized that expressing your opinion does not need to end in argument, instead should be about listening to one another's thoughts, feelings and truly hearing the other persons perspective. Not only does a conversation of this nature make people feel better but it often has the ability to bring people closer. Though I am completely in favor of voicing your opinion, speaking your mind, and really telling people how you feel, as I evolve and get older I also realize it is crucial that we pick our battles. Just because you have an opinion, or a feeling does not mean you should immediately voice it. Sometimes it's better to sit on such feelings, mull them over, take a deep breath, and let it go...
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has been involved in some of these "door slamming" fights- I know what you mean about picking your battles. It is true, it is not always worth the confrontation and we need to understand what is important to us as well as those around us. Sometimes it doesn't always overlap and to your point- we need to let it go.
DeleteWhen it comes to talking and sharing, I have found that men and women do so with different goals in mind. While men will share their thoughts on issues and problems in order to simply find a solution, we will hold in anything we find too inconsequential. Those things we choose not to share are chosen more from our own certainty that we should be able to solve the issue without outside input, and not from any deep-seated desire to keep our loved ones out.
ReplyDeleteOn the other side of the spectrum, I have found many women talk or share not just to find solutions, but to have others express empathy and sympathy with whatever they are going through. At least, that's how it seems to me.
It is these two vastly different approaches to communication that causes so many inter-sexual miscommunications between spouses, significant others, siblings and parents. Just my two cents.
My husband is a smart man;)
DeleteAs someone who probably could have used a filter along the way, I salute your attempts to foster honesty in your relationships. The truth does often hurt, but if the motive is pure- to help not demoralize or manipulate, it's really the only way to live.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if science would back me up but my gut tells me that those who internalize everything- who can't speak up for fear of retribution or rocking the boat- are the ones who literally make themselves sick.
That's why my motto has always been speak up, speak out and hope for the best.
Keep going with your blog. You are totally on to something.
I tend to write poetry when I'm truly angry and/or upset and I paint when I'm happy. There are plenty of ways to express your emotions. However, I don't enjoy pretending to be a mind reader, nor do I expect others to. If something is really bothering me, I'll speak up. I will always defend myself and others when I feel it's warranted. Yes, this has caused additional altercations, but I think of I were a male it wouldn't be a problem. The people I've had the most difficulty with are insecure, lacking in self-esteem and self-respect and kind of shifty, which was difficult if they were in supervisory positions. I don't look for confrontations, but I have no qualms about winning them whenever possible. I don't like hurting people, especially my loved ones, and feel bad if I do. At the end of the day, I need to be able to sleep with a clear conscience and can usually do so. If I've screwed up and know it, I'll apologize. If I don't know I hurt someone, I can't be expected to understand a grudge against me. It's a matter of logic and using your voice.
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